Ups + Downs

Over the past month I've had alot of up's, and it seems no matter how accomplished or happy I feel there always has to be that under laying dig that people make. Whether its people's words or actions, it hurts and it has been getting awful lately.

Happy things:
I was accepted as a BFA Dance Major at Marymount Manhattan in NYC! This is a super hard program I've had my eye on since freshmen year, and to feel like somewhere in the city my name is on a list, I don't know, it makes me feel worth something and that I'm contributing to the city. It feels like I just got into the the club that is New York City.

At a dance convention/competition back in January I was asked to be an assistant at nationals this summer which is something I've always wanted to do. Basically an oppurtunity to do more traveling and more dancing, I'm there.

The Roanoke Times contacted me about doing a story about competing against the Dance Mom girls from Lifetime. The paper was starving for me to tell them how it felt to beat them, in an attempt to set the record straight that I'm not a power-hungry-1st place-or-nothing-win-win-win-I-want-a-trophy-give-me-a-medal dancer I thoroughly told them in the interview that there really is no such thing as beating any one in this art form. I explained that its called competitive dance to, in reality, compete with yourself and push yourself harder and harder. I told them how ridiculous it is to compare dancers based on a score, no dancer is better than an other... we all have something incredibly special to share, that's all. And wouldn't ya know, the only thing really to get my point across was when they quoted me saying "to compare us is like apples and oranges, I didn't beat anyone." The girl who originally wrote the article is so super sweet, you know how the media business goes... you give something to a group of final editors and no one wants to read about some kid who believes in sharing art, it's all about the cut throught competitivness/lights/cameras. Whatcha gonna do. That's showbiz kid.

Bad things:
As soon as you start feeling like your worth something and the least bit accomplished in the world, someone takes note and moves into action.

You know that article? Well most of my teachers put it up on there boards at school, which I wasn't all too comfortable with. It's not that I was embarrased to see a picture of me dancing infront kids at school, it was just.... I mean, come on, while I'm doing math problems or a latin translation I look up to see my dumbo self in ballet class. Anyways, last week I walked in and say the infamous FAGGOT written across my picture. And the next day I saw one with TONY d'ALELIO IS THE BIGGEST FAG ON EARTH.  But my personal favorite is the one with penises drawn all over my face. The thing is, I know that I have better morals than the people who did those things but no matter how strong you become to ignore those things, it still hurts. I'm making myself go places, I'm not just some asshole who was given a magic wand and was magically moving to New York or dancing up and down the east coast. And if only those unfortunate people knew how hard I've worked and how hard I'm working, maybe they would respect me a little more. What kills me, are the people who make assumptions about me and have never sat down had a conversation with me. But hey kiddos, I'm going places.

I don't know what it is about this one girl, let's call her Bad Apple, but she's had this effect on me that's making me doubt myself. Bad Apple was sortof a growing close friend at the start of the year, one in which I made extremely bad decisions with. I don't know if it was my turn around back to the path I'm on now that made a change in her, but she's completely awful to me. Every thing I say she shuts down. Or If I tell Bad Apple about dance, she'll respond with "nobody cares." And I don't know why, but everything she says I take to heart. I don't know, it seem insignificant, but it's been having an impact on me lately.

Yesterday when I was driving to Footloose rehearsal (by the way, I'm playing Ren McCormack in Footloose!... If you're by chance reading this and you live in my area come see the show when it opens in April... I love you ;) ), and this guy in my class passed me and glared me down and threw my the middle finger. And ofcourse, let us not forget, since it was a beautiful day both our windows were down... and guess what he said. Fuck you fag.

So naturally, to remedy this current beat down I've been getting lately, I've been going home and watching dance videos online ALL THE TIME. Something about watching people like me doing what they love to do makes all of this okay.

from that dancer guy to you,
Tony

p.s. I've been writing my girl lots of letters, I don't know if I'm ready to write about her again. (Just because I don't know where to begin...)